In the mind of Madness

New EP pre-production, new single, new focus. 

It's that time again where I begin the planning phase of my next record. I was going to keep the title a secret. Build some mystery. Fuck mystery. It's called, "Lovesick". I am hoping it will be 8 songs. These are my favorite songs of mine (so far). I feel that they are some of my best. I used to think they were my best. I have since written a whole lot of (lyrics) songs that definitely compete as my best in the last 6 months. But back to "Lovesick"...

I am listening to a lot of music that has a dark, creepy, haunting, and ethereal sound. I want to go there. I'm aiming for lots of gut-wrenching layered vocal harmonies with a touch of electronica here and there. Mild, subtle effects. The main thing will be me singing my fucking heart out. Crooning like I've never crooned before. The vocal performance means more than anything. 

After I settle on a musical direction, I will settle on who gets to co-produce / produce. Then I might do some demos and then just start recording. In the meantime, I need to raise funds to pay for all this high quality production. That involves me trying to sell what I have around my house. I'm not sure how far I can go with this method of fundraising. I am still hoping that there are folks out there who want to be a part of this process with me and support my art (through Patreon). Creating music is the best form of therapy I have right now. Grieving my mother's passing (last May) has put me in the darkest place I've ever been. Music is the hand that pulls me out. Sometimes I see it as her hand. My mother's support and belief in me has carried me through the years. I not only continue on with music because it's part of who I am, but I continue on to honor her. Which brings me to...

"Modern Romance". This has always been a powerful song for me. It was one of my mom's favorites. She gets a mention in it. I want to show everyone how I took the pain of being in an abusive relationship, and turned it into something beautiful. This was my way of coping, at the time. I wrote it in the midst of the realization that the relationship was toxic and I decided to stay because I wanted to - not because I had to. I was trying to reclaim my power the best way I knew how. 
It is my hope to have it finished and released on Valentine's Day 2020. I consider it a "reject" from the "Lovesick" EP. It could fit there, but I think it deserves to be singled out and to stand on its own. I have one other song that I feel could go with the EP, but I don't want it there. So I may do that as a standalone single in the Spring. 

Expect "Lovesick" later in the year. I don't want to rush this one. I will try to release new music and live videos, including covers in the upcoming weeks.

Oh, and the "Peter Pan" music video. We're not quite finished filming, but the footage we have so far is quite magical, indeed!

I am not in the right headspace to think about what to do with my music once it's finished. I am going to focus on making the best music as I possibly can and getting it recorded. I will share on social media and whenever I see an opportunity to share. I have become so bitter over the current music industry climate and how nothing is about art anymore. Creating and sharing in the most simple way is the only thing my weary soul can manage at the moment.

Currently reading: Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy 
Currently listening to: Agnes Obel, Milo Greene, Billie Eilish, Camelia Jordana, 50 Shades of Grey Franchise Soundtrack (go ahead, make fun of me)
Currently learning: French
Currently watching: The Great British Baking Show

And slowly pulling myself out of a deeeeep depression. I saw the slivers of light through my tightly closed eyes. Now I'm fiercely tearing at the darkness to let more light through. My story isn't finished yet.



Being a "creative" sometimes feels more like a curse than a blessing.

Gone are the days where I could shut out the world when the Muse came to visit me. 
Now I find myself telling her, "Ack! I can't! My kid needs me! Just wait right there, in the corner of my mind, while I do mom stuff..."

Pssshhtt! She waits for NO ONE.

I used to have a problem with tapping into that creative, inspired wavelength. I couldn't figure out how to see it, and how to recognize it. I suffered from "writer's block" (which I realize some people don't even believe in). Now, I know how to access it. I figured it out!! But, I still have this whole other life that is sadly counter-intuitive to my deepest desires.

I'm no longer a disgruntled youth on an aimless path. I KNOW what I want and how to get it. I conquered one of the hardest feats. I just simply do not have the time to do what is needed to be done. I don't have children who just do their own thing (I think there are some kids who do that, though I would call them Unicorns). My kids need my attention 24/7 and I do not work a 9 to 5 anymore. My husband does that, and I try hard to keep my little monsters alive, every damn day. 

Lately I've been feeling MEGA inspired. Inspired to try my hand at self producing my music again. Inspired to write lyrics that will reach a broader audience (and not just appeal to sad bastards like myself). Inspired to even branch outside of music to begin achieving my goals of comedic acting and screenwriting for film and T.V. 

As a hardcore INFP, I find myself suffocating emotionally. Precious alone time to be creative, or to be nothing and do nothing, and to re-charge myself is not as often as I need it to be. It's a wonder that I have time to write this blog entry. But, as I said earlier in the year - my word this year is: PERSEVERE. 

And that is what I shall do.